A man walks into a bar with a duck under his arm…

Bartender: “Hey, where did you get the pig?”
Customer: “It’s not a pig, it’s a duck.”
Bartender: “I was talking to the duck.”

Teacher: “Johnny, why are you always late for school?”
Johnny: “It’s not my fault, miss. You always ring the bell before I get here!”

What did Elvis Presley say to the smoothie?

“You’re All Shook Up.”

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”

There is a silence, and then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

Doctor: “I’m afraid you only have four minutes to live.”
Patient: “Is there anything you could do?”
Doctor: “Well, I could boil you an egg.”

Johnny: “Mum, how long is dinner going to be?”
Mum: “About 10cm, dear. It’s a sausage.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:

“Watson; look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”

“Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody has stolen our tent.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just called my baby ugly!”

The man says: “You go right up there and give him a piece of your mind. I’ll hang on to your little monkey for you.”

“What kind of murderer has moral fibre?”

“A cereal killer.”

So, I went to the doctors the other day and he said:
“Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu.”

So I went – and I got it.

And a seal walks into a club…

I went to the corner shop the other day…

I bought four corners.

Muller Corners…

I loved the 2012 London Olympics. I was so inspired that I even decided to try water polo…

…unfortunately my horse drowned.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak are freezing cold. So they light a fire, and obviously the boat sinks.

Proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

I was walking down a country lane the other day. You know, taking a leisurely stroll, minding my own business. Eventually I came to a railway crossing… and this idiot driving a lorry ignored the red light and the gates and all, he was obviously drunk, I’m thinking “You idiot, you’re gonna get hit”.

And he drove his lorry full of tortoises into a train full of terrapins.

I thought to myself…

‘What a turtle disaster.’

I had dinner with Garry Kasparov the other day, you know, the world chess champion. Lovely restaurant, marvellous food, and there was this really quaint chequered tablecloth at our table.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I was going to go to the paper shop yesterday – but it had blown away.

Doesn’t matter though, I slept like a log last night…

I woke up in the fireplace.

I rang up British Telecom today, absolutely fuming, seething with rage, and I said to the man: “I would like to report a nuisance caller.”

He said: “Oh no, Not you again.”

I’ve got two fish in a tank in my back yard.

One said: “How on earth do you drive this thing?”

I was at the safari last week… I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, and I thought to myself: “He’s trying to pull a fast one.”

So I was talking to a mate of mine, right. And he told me about a tragic event that happened the other day, he said to me:

“You know my mother-in-law; she fell down a wishing well yesterday, I was shocked…

…I never knew they worked.”

I went to the doctors the day before last and I asked: “Have you got anything for wind?”

Idiot gave me a kite.

Someone I know told me he is on a whiskey diet…

He’s lost three days already.

A friend of mine went to the doctors the other day. He said “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.” The doctor said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to me”. “Is it common?” My mate asked. Doc said…

“It’s not unusual.”

A classic from Tommy Cooper.

I went to the gym the other day and said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “Well, how flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself into a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who likes pulling up the back of people’s pants. He said his name was Wedgie Kray.

“Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!”

“Pull yourself together then!”

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Lemmy.
Lemmy Who?
Lemmy in.

When NASA first started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C…

The Russians, on the other hand, used a pencil.

A snail was crawling down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of turtles. A police detective came to investigate and asked the snail if he could explain what had happened.

The snail looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know; it all happened so fast.”

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “What news could possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

“When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.”

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it.” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up and said: “That’s it.”

Man: “You’re a lawyer, right? If I give you £500, will you answer two questions for me?”

Lawyer: “Absolutely! What’s the second question?”

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A ba-boom.

Three travellers have been walking across the Sahara for days now. They are very thirsty. They are almost finished when salvation comes in the form of this great miracle. An oasis is found by the three. All at once they equally drink it down to the very bottom. At the bottom they find a lamp.

Having heard of the legend, one picks up the lamp, and rubs it. A genie appears.

Genie: “You have awoken me, I grant thee three wishes.”

They divide the wishes amongst themselves.

Traveller One:  “I wish to be in Paris.”
His wish is granted.
Traveller Two: “I wish to be in Miami”
His wish is granted.
Traveller Three: “I wish to be with my friends.”

No more wishes. The genie disappears…

…and Traveller One and Traveller Two are pretty angry!

Teacher: “Johnny, you didn’t do your homework.”

Johnny: “You can’t tell me off for something I didn’t do though, can ya?”

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
The.
The who?
Talking ‘bout My Generation!

I went to Asda the other day to do some shopping. I walked up to the automatic door, and it opened…

Then it shut on me, and I said to myself “This Asda happen everytime I come here, doesn’t it?”

So a little later, I was in the bread aisle when I saw a man and a woman stumble by wrapped in barcode. Feeling the widest grin spreading across my face at this ludicrous sight, I said:

“Are you two an item?”

When I finally got in a queue at one of the tills, there was a really angry guy at the front, and he shouted: “I would like to make a complaint! This vinegar has got lumps in it!”.

The cashier said: “Those are pickled onions.”

A man sued Ryanair for losing his luggage. Sadly though, it was a lost case.

Someone knocked on my door the other day, I answered. He said “Could you make a donation to the local swimming pool.” I said “Of course.”

So I went into the kitchen, poured a glass of water and I said “Here you go.”

How do you keep a technical drawing compass still?

Break it’s legs!

A barber, a bald man and an absent minded professor take a journey together. They have to camp overnight, so decide to take turns watching the luggage.

When it’s the barber’s turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor.

When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says “How stupid is that barber? He’s woken up the bald man instead of me.

A man was cleaning his carburettor off his motorbike in a tray of petrol. After it was cleaned he started to install it back onto the bike when his wife called “I’ve got a cup of tea ready for you.” He replied “Thanks love.” and left the garage.

Then a cat came into the garage and started to drink the petrol out of the bowl on the floor.

After drinking the petrol the cat went bananas, up and down the floor and hit the far wall and landed on his back with his legs up in the air.

Along came the man’s friend who asked: “Is the cat dead?”

“No.” came the reply, “He’s just run out of petrol.”

The following joke partly inspired Iron Maiden’s famous mascot, Eddie The Head. Guitarist Dave Murray once recounted the joke.

A wife had a baby, but it was born with only a head and no body. “Don’t worry,” says the doctor. “Bring him back in five years time, and we’ll probably have a body for him”.

So five years go by, and there’s Eddie the ‘Ead, as his parents have called him, sitting on the mantelpiece, when in walks his dad. ‘Son,’ he says, “today’s a very special day. It’s your fifth birthday and we’ve got a very special surprise for you.”

“Oh no,” says Eddie. “not another fucking hat!”

3 out of 2 people have trouble with fractions…

I read the newspaper yesterday, on the front pages, was a world exclusive about a man who got sucked up by his hoover…

The doctor said “You’re lucky we got to you in time, son… you were Dyson with death.”

Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

Because they don’t have the guts!

Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because it’s too far to walk.

What bird is always out of breath?

A puffin.

Where would you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him…

What did one banana say to the other?

Nothing, bananas can’t speak.

I’m so hungry… I could eat a horse… I’ll go to the supermarket… (I wrote this on the original website in 2013, when in Europe a bunch of food that was supposed to be beef turned out to have some horse in it)

Two teddy bears got in a fight, eventually the fight finished with the parting words of the bear who won… “Go stuff yourself!”